I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
