sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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