doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
