my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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