he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
