Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
