my mouth tastes like poor choices
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize