every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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