She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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