Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
