I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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