my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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