There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
