The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize