When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
A bitchslap is in order.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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