He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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