it's not cheating when I paid for it
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize