Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
