Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
