My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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