If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
