I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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