spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
