there's paper in my vomit.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
it's like heaven, but drunker
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize