What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
