You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
