Four minutes until I can fart!
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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