"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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