he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
