omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Randomize
