I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
