She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
