I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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