the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
