Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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