I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
