Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
