At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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