my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
