Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize