I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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