You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
