I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
