dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
