Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
