Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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