Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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