just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize