So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
