Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
