Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
