i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
