Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize