She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
