You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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