Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
