Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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