My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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