I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
