What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
