where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
