I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
