Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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