The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
