I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
